Pride

ATTENTION STRAIGHT PEOPLE who want to throw a “Straight Pride Parade”

Did you ever have to think, “I’m straight, but I like blondes with long legs.” Therefore

• I’d better never tell any of my family lest they disown me.

• I’d better not tell any friends because they’ll reject me.

• No one at work can know about my desires either. It’s legal to be fired for it.

• I have to pretend to like brunettes for the rest of my life because that’s the only option mainstream society accepts.

Did this ever happen to you?

• Your mother finds out and tells you not to ever tell your father because he might reach for a gun.

• Then, she brings you to a Monsignor of the Catholic Church who tells you simply to pray whenever you have a thought about how sexy long legs are, and it will go away.

Did this ever happen to you?

• You’re chatting outside a bar with a bunch of people and a passing car throws beer bottles at you, striking the sidewalk close enough for you to feel the shards of broken glass hit your legs. All because we were standing outside a bar where the people prefer blondes.

• In 2019, people still tell you you’re going to burn in hell for liking blondes. In fact, there are programs in this country where people are sent to be tortured into no longer liking blondes (it doesn’t work).

• In 2019, there are countries where you can be put to death for liking long legs.

All of those thoughts and things happened to me just because I “prefer the company of men,” as they used to say.

I EARNED my pride parade, bitches.

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